Sorry if I’m a piece of shit. Sorry for all of it; everything between us, going back however many years. Sorry that I still hold on to what should have been let go years ago and vice versa. Sorry that we had to grow up and go through our own shit.
I remember the plastic forks inside joke. The time I watched you date my best friend for a while, watching him treat you like shit, but I was there for you, took your side when it all ended. Was there for you when you and your other HS boyfriend didn’t treat you well. I remember all the shy glances and moments where we didn’t know what to do in each others company. I remember getting that picture you put in my locker in middle school. All of our conversations and interactions;
How we were once like brother-sister, something I truly, truly cherished.
I remember our terrible timing when it came to our emotions for one another. Me with Sam and you with whomever.
But lets face it:
Since Senior year of HS, what have we been? Short answer: Memories.
A lot happened Senior Year. Us not talking all year, the infamous Note, the rebonding few laps around K-Mart a few days before Graduation and then the rekindling of my feelings for you again on Graduation night. It was all a fucking trainwreck to be honest and I think we both know and have accepted this.
And, the million dollar question that I’ve lied about for years now: Should we have been friends and salvaged what was shattered then? Should I have given “us” a second chance?
The answer to that is simple, No. But, I did and here we are.
We’ve not been close at all. We rarely talk; only when it’s convienent for either of us. We never hung out, but we never had before, so that doesn’t bother me as much. You took the Armed Forces route and congrats, that’s your deal; you know how I feel about it.
Still, one of the best days of my life was Junior Year…The College Fair. The bus ride up, how you looked, how we ran around and had a blast at the arena. The rain and the bus ride back; all of it was just amazing to me.
But, what is it all now? Nothing. Memories, mental snapshots, whatever other term you can use.
We’re nothing right now. We’re people who were once best of best friends, who once had great feelings for another but were too scared to act upon them. We’re stories we’ll tell our future encounters about as “my one friend in high school” and that’s all we are.
Yes, I am a piece of shit. Yes, I can be a hassle as a friend. Yes, I have weird tendencies, and Yes, I have a terrible habit of seeming to change my mind and emotions on the flip of a dime and that’s all because of shit I’ve went through, but you dealt with them all before.
I’m not asking for you to deal with me. Shit, I don’t care if we ever speak again, to be completely honest; we have our own lives and we’ve made it clear over the last few years that we’re not going to be as closely involved in them as we once hoped we’d be.
So, it is what it is Kid. We had a great run and as much as I would love to have had it continue or rebuild again, the fact of the matter is that it never will remotely be close to the same as it once was and what’s the point? If it can’t be better, why settle for anything less? It’s clear that we have our own deals going on and best of luck, really. If our paths cross again, so be it, but I’ve completely accepted the fact that I’ll hold on to what was, forever, and that I will not care one way or the other what happens next with us; I’ve lost people who never mattered and I’ve lost people I’ve thought the world about/of, so it honestly, really doesn’t matter what happens at this point. I cared about that too much before and it caused too much unneccesary shit.
Kid, here’s to you.
